The ladies in my Thursday morning Bible study are used to me telling it like it is. My new Sunday night group will learn soon enough. I find little encouragement from ladies who speak as if they have it all together. They intimidate me and make me feel like a spiritual loser. I must admit I wonder if all of their talk is a carefully constructed mask to make everyone think they are spiritual giants.....then pretty soon after I think that - God convicts me for judging them. I repent and we go from there. When I share with my ladies, I don't try to appear perfect. It would be a lie if I did. I have so far to go. I want to be real. I want them to feel like they can come to me when they are struggling and not be afraid that I will condemn them. I fall short every day and I will continue to until that glorious day when God makes me perfect (He really has His work cut out for Him, but He is able). Since I am going to try and post regularly on here mostly for the sweet ladies in my Bible studies, I will from time to time share the gory details of my growth journey. That will make my blog pretty different from most. Don't say I didn't warn you.
One of the Bible truths that I "harp" on week after week is found in Galations 2:20 - "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life which I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." I am learning (the hard way) that the only was I can be of any use in the kingdom of God is for me to empty myself, die to my selfish desires, and allow God to take the throne of my life and live my life through me. If ever for a moment I begin to think I am getting it together, God brings along something to humble me very quickly. I saw my MS doctor on Friday. He gave me some news that I did not want to hear. I was so glad that I had gone alone because I pitched a big, old-fashioned hissy fit on the drive home. I knew this news was a possibility. I had been praying about it for months. I felt like I was trusting God with it. Evidently I was trusting Him because I didn't really think it would ever happen. Anyway, I cried (you know the kind where you can't talk without hiccupping) and told God all the terrible things that were going to happen, how impossible it would be to make it through, and how there was no way out. (It all sounds funny now but it wasn't at the time.) He just kept whispering "Trust me". I get goose bumps just typing that. I continued to cry and state my case. Finally after about the 10th time of hearing "Trust Me", I said "How do I do that with this?" He said "Die to yourself". Now remember - this is my mantra. He began to show me - me through His eyes. Everything I was afraid about and so upset about were very selfish, self-centered things. He also showed me that until I surrendered this thing, He and I would go no further. It would consume my thoughts. He would not reveal anything new to me. I wouldn't be able to pray or worship. I would be of no use to anyone else. I was going to be stuck right there until I gave it up. I FINALLY said "OK God, I choose to die to my self. Then I went through ever selfish desire He had revealed to me and I chose to die to it". The thought crossed my mind that I was just saying words, but as I chose to relinquish those things (some of them were things that were very important to me), a peace came over me that I cannot explain with words. I had cried a bucket of tears but they were dried up immediately. I didn't have an assurance that things would work out the way I wanted them to, but an assurance that God is in control - that whatever He chooses to do in this situation, in my life, will be the very best thing. He will be glorified. If I am not living my life to glorify Him then I am wasting it.
I got home and got a phone call. It amazingly took care of part of the problem. When I got off the phone, I said "God, why didn't you just tell me about that?" He said "Then you wouldn't have been trusting Me." As you can see, God and I have very frank conversations. He knows how I roll and I feel sure that He laughs at me most days - whether it is the ridiculous little things that make me smile (I have on one occasion thanked Him because I saw 14 squirrels on my way to work and it made me smile), my lack of brain power, or my unconventional way of communicating with Him.
All this to say - ladies, you are learning about Galations 2:20. Now you must walk it out. Somedays are easier than others, but if you refuse to crucify yourself and let Christ live through you, that is the place where you will be camping out for awhile. You can be like the Israelites and spend 40 years in that wilderness. Personally, I would rather surrender each day (many times each day) and march through the Promised Land winning battle after battle.
God bless you. I love you. BTW, this is one of Hannah's photos.
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